The Midnight News 03.15.04

Posted by Hyatte on 03.15.2004

One Show, One Subject, One Douchebag, Let's do an Old School Mop-Up, shall we?

Yeah, just so you know, that crap from the fake Vince McMahon was a million times more entertaining than anything you've written in years. And I though you were going to do a big section about all the "fan mail" you got about your newest "And Another Thing"? Must have all been hate mail. Please retire again and never come back. Even that boring hack Eric S. is more entertaining.

Jeremy Simpson

Okay then…

Hello, I’m Chris and this is the Midnight News… sort of. What I mean is that we’re dispensing with the usual segment by segment column and focus 100% on Wrestlemania. This is a recap. This is… a MOP-UP.

I haven’t done one of these in years, and it’ll probably blow chunks… this is because the last time I did Mop-Ups, they were for two rasslin’ shows on Monday nights, with all the silly, who-gives-a-rat’s-ass mid-card storylines that were so gosh darn and, and EASY to make fun of… plus back then the Mop-Ups were one of a kind… now everyone does them… badly… except the fartbubbles who do them now never get the idea that the key to making fun of them is to be A FAN while doing it, they think they can’t be a fan, plus they think they have to also make sure the reader (aka YOU) under stand that they are INSIDERS who KNOW BETTER than you.

Plus, I had commercials and silly station breaks to play with…

Plus, Scooter Keith just isn’t all that funny. The funniest thing about him is his hairstyle and his constant attempts convince his blog readers that he has a girlfriend.

It also helps when a show is bad… my Nitro Mop-Ups RULED because Nitro was usually always hilariously terrible. This is where the problem will be… this is WRESTLEMANIA… the damn show NEVER sucks (unless Sid is in the main event)

My other problem was that I spent most of the show with Flea feeding me jokes over the phone… and explaining to me why John Kerry is a c*cks*cker… and basically running down his list of wrestlers who he likes and those who can F-off and die… (If Flea ran things, Smackdown would be two hours of Eddie Guererro staring at his watch, and RAW would be two hours of an empty ring)

So, settle in… you won’t get much of a blow by blow description here, but it will be sort of lengthy and I’ll be doing A LOT OF YELLING BECAUSE IT’S HOW I ALWAYS GOT MY GODDAM POINT ACROSS!!! It was also because I didn’t learn HOW TO DO ITALICS UNTIL I RETIRED THE MOP-UPS… and I hope you douchebags like your exclamation points stacked a dozen at a time right next to each other… because when I got excited over something, I made sure YOU KNEW IT, BABY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Should be interesting… to say the very least… no, actually, the very least would be to say this should warrant absolutely no reaction, good or bad, at all… so this should trigger absolutely no reaction, good or bad, at all… to say the very least. Yeah, much better.

Oh, you know… shut the f*ck up and enjoy… you got 900 friggin’ recaps and they will all be pissing on one thing or another…

WRESTLEMANIA XX (or: My God Those Titties!)

-Obligatory FBI warning: Steal this show and you will be Saddam’s bunkmate. The WWE had every right to soak you for $50 for this, be a good little sheep and PAY! Every time someone steals a PPV broadcast, some poor wrestler gets fired… maybe it’ll be someone YOU LIKE? Maybe it’ll be Benoit! Maybe it’ll be FLAIR!! STEAL THIS SHOW AND RIC FLAIR WILL BE BLACKBALLED FROM SPORTS ENTERTAINMENT FOREVER!!!!!

-seriously, stealing this show takes FOOD out of Shane’s brand new child! If the kid dies, it’ll be on YOUR HEAD, PIRATE!!!

-This just in, the WWE just hired Rob Feinstein to molest the child of every single Wrestlemania pirated broadcast viewer… so congratulations… you just condemned your young son. HOPE IT WAS WORTH IT, YOU CHEAP BASTARD!!

-The Harlem Boys Choir were in the ring to sing “America the Beautiful”… Howard Finkle DOVE out of the ring after introducing them (look carefully and you’ll see the Fink check his pocket for his wallet as he bailed) in a related story, all the white people who actually LIVE in Harlem actually left their apartments tonight for the first time in YEARS. One was heard saying to her husband, “Where did all the shwarzes go? Is there a Wilding scheduled in the park tonight?”

-I’m sure they are ALL nice boys… and I am equally sure that at least ONE of those boys in that choir is named “Lester”.

-Introduction video… Vince McMahon had a dream… a dream to convince hetero men that watching buffed up, oiled/sweaty half naked men roll around the ring and play fight is NOT gay! And 20 years later, he hasn’t CONVINCED ANYONE!!!!

-No, seriously, 20 years ago, Vince McMahon had a dream to unite HUMANITY with the silly little theater known as SPORTS ENTERTAINMENT! Meanwhile, AIDS continues to run wild without a cure in sight… way to go, Vince.

-we are welcomed to Madison Square Garden, where it all begins… again… only this time, if you are to believe HHH, Flair, and anyone else who did interviews this week, this time they’re doing it WITHOUT steroids!

-All the announcers are at ringside, even some Hispanics for the Eddie crowd who stole a TV set in time for the show… strangely, no Arabic broadcast team were to be found… as if the Taliban aren’t wrestling fans… SHAME ON YOU VINCE, YOU RACIST BASTARD!!!

-John Cena steps out to his rap music. He gets to the ring and grabs a mic and cuts a SALTY rap that’s destined to CHALLENGE White America’s preconception of freestyle rapping! As the Wade Kellers of the world crawl under their beds and pray the riots don’t make it to the suburbs, Cena let’s us ALL know that the suburbs will bring the riots to the GHETTO!!!

-In short, Cena breaks out the dilly…YO!

-And he made fun of the Big Show’s girth! DEAR GOD, VINCE IS STICKING IT RIGHT IN THE EYE OF THE RELIGIOUS RIGHT!!

-The Big Show came out… hey, with Brock gone, HE’S the big ass Smackdown Heel again!! It WOULD have been Nathan Jones but… alas… alas.

-They face off, Cena waves his hand in front of his face and shouts, “YOU CAN’T SEE ME!!” Show suddenly looks around and goes, “Where’d he go? Little bastard vanished!” So THAT’S how it works! Post-hypnotic suggestions! Good for Cena!

-Big Show dominated on offense… bitch hasn’t showered since Royal Rumble (*rimshot)

-Big Show slapped on the Cobra Clutch! This move is effective because it doesn’t stop the blood from entering the brain, it keeps the blood from LEAVING the brain!! I got that from Stu Saks, who used a whole Pro Wrestling Illustrated column to explain why the full color shot of him in a Sgt Slaughter Cobra Clutch REALLY, REALLY hurt and it only LOOKED like he was laughing. “My mouth was drawn upwards in a rictus of AGONY” Saks explained… which helps explain why the “Prose of Stu Saks” was never taught in ANY college… EVER.

-Cena pulled a vanishing act again and managed some offense, then hit the Show with an F-U. Show kicked out and Cena spent at least three full minutes completely shocked. “I don’t get it… I’m a FACE! Our finishers are supposed to be INVINCIBLE!”

-Cena wanted to get backstage and start humping rats, so he grabbed his chain to end this. The Ref c-blocked him. Cena tried the wavy hand in the face again….the Ref started clucking around the ring like a chicken (whoops… someone f*cked up). Cena grabbed his “Word Life” bling bling and clocked the Show. Another F.U. and we have a New US Champ. He celebrated for a bit then took off to have the belt melted down so the gold can go in his teeth. Proper!

-Backstage, Jonathon Coachman said hello to Bruce Pritchard (dude, three words: new f-ing hair style… NOW), some Smackdown wrestler no one cares about, and Teddy Long… then met Eric Bischoff and that new kid who was called Johnny Blaze for a week until Marvel Comics sent their lawyers to Stamford with a cease and desist court order (damn shame, because they were planning on lighting the kid’s head on fire when he got really mad as a gimmick… which would have ruled the planet!) Bischoff sent Coachman to a darkest part of the building to locate the Undertaker for an exclusive SCOOP!! Coachman quickly responded, “Why would the Undertaker be inside Patterson’s sphincter?” Bichoff shooed him away (that’s your ONE PATTERSON JOKE OF THE EVENING!!!! CHOKE ON IT, LOSERS!!!!!!) The segment ended before Johnny Whatever could say, “Radical, dude” (and you KNOW it’s coming!)

-Randy Orton, Batista, and Ric Flair all cut a loooong promo (well, Orton did all of the talking) where they rehashed the Foley storyline. 20 years ago, Ace Orton served absolutely NO purpose at the first Wrestlemania… now that honor will go to Flair!

-Booker T and RVD retained the Raw tag tiles in a Fatal Four Way… this is a LOOONG show so SOME of the matches are getting the short end of the stick here. Interestingly enough, Buh Buh never ordered his black partner (*COUGHstepnfetchitHACK) to get the tables! Damn, I picked Cade and Jindrak in this.

-Coachman came to a mysterious, and awfully noisy door where he thought the Undertaker was lurking behind… suddenly, out slipped a disheveled Mean Gene Okerlund… who was covered in lipstick. He was followed by Bobby “The Brain” Heenan, who was just as disheveled! Both men swore up and down that they were busy discussing the Hall of Fame awards. Then the door opened… for a second, I just KNEW it was Patterson!! (aw, and that would have completely rocked!)

-It was Mae Young and Moolah, who started molesting Gene and Heenan again and yanking them back into the room… Heenan’s voice isn’t getting any better… he sounds like he swallowed a vibrator.

-Do you know the history of Jericho/Christian/and Trish Stratus? If not, then you just paid $50 to FIND OUT!!! YA SHOULD’A BEEN WATCHING RAW, JACKASSES!!! SMACKDOWN DOESN’T HAVE DRAMA LIKE THIS!!!!!!!

-Tim White was the referee… he hasn’t been seen since his shoulder was trashed in the UT/Brock Hell in the Cell match (that was when a fed up Brock shouted, “Dammit, SOMEONE’S gonna sell tonight!!” And smashed the poor guy… rat bastard)

-Jericho came out first… or maybe Christian did… who gives a crap.

-They locked up… best friends TORN APART by a woman!!! Only in Canada! Fags.

-in America, friends are NEVER torn apart by a woman… we just bang each others wives/girlfriends/daughters stupid behind each others backs.

-These boys went back and forth… neither holding the advantage for TOO long… unfortunately, their also wasn’t any stand out centerpiece spot until the very end.

-meanwhile, over the phone, Flea kept HOWLING about how Tim White only used one arm while the other one hung limp… except for those few DOZEN times he raised both arms to signal no accentuate a ten count… somehow, Flea was able to ignore those moments:

-“Lookit that arm, Hy-Rate! Hanging there like a dead duck’s dick!! Hyuck!!”

-“Oh look Flea, he’s raising both arms and waving them wildly!!”

-“YUP, DEADER THAN A DUCK’S DICK!!!”

-“But he seems to be using both arms quite we…”

-“LIKE A DEAD DUCK’S DICK, HYUCK!!!”

-“But if you just look you’ll see…”

-“I SAID, HYUCK!!!!!! ”

-Christian slapped on the Texas Cloverleaf… no doubt Dean Malenko got into his face and said, “Come ONNN, man… can’t you pay tribute to the twenty years I put into the business without ONCE breaking into anywhere NEAR the top of the card?”

-Suddenly, Trish came out… and her BOOBS… Good GOD look at them! Been a while since she aired them out! Usually she has them covered in that nun-like jumpsuit she wears…

-It’s simple math: Trish’s boobs + a push-up bra = a Toronto streetmap! Follow the veins and her house is just to the right of her left nipple!

-Trish ran to the apron just as the no-good scoundrel Christian was about to win… Christian got mad and tossed her in the ring and threw her down, where her face damn near smashed into the turnbuckle. (SCUMBAG!!!!!!!)

-Jericho ran in to make the save and check on her. Trish accidentally elbowed him… Christian rolled him up from behind and won! Hmm, did Mel Gibson book this match?

-Then Heyman, Goldberg, Kidman, and RAVEN all ran out and Crucified Christian with sadistic delight. My God, MEL GIBSON IS BOOKING THIS MATCH!!!!! HE’S GONE INSANE!!!!!!!!!!

-Trish assisted Jericho up and begged him for forgiveness! Jericho was wary. COME ON JERICHO!!! THE GIRL WAS ONLY TRYING TO HELP!!!!

-Christian returned to the ring… Jericho SHOVED Trish behind him! That noble little Sebastian Bach wannabe!

-Trish tussled with Jericho… then Trish slapped Jericho, hard..

-Then slapped Jericho, hard, AGAIN.

-Then Christian charged in and gave him the Unprettier. Jericho laid dead as Trish started down at him with her titties blazing… F-ING INSTANTLY she got hotter… look at her… Jesus Crap!

-Christian and HEEL Stratus left and walked up the ramp… as she ALWAYS does when there isn’t a mic within a mile from her, Trish started cutting promos… (that girl frickin’ GABS when she’s on the ramp…)

-Jim Ross accuses Christian of POISONING the young girl’s innocence!

-Then, with Jericho looking on, Christian and Trish mocked him… then Christian YANKED Trish’s head back by her hair… (and Trish, who CLEARLY studied a few pornos for this, went completely LIMP and let Christian have his way with her) and then they kissed… DOUCHEBAG camera guy got a clear shot of Christian’s back… there was a potential shot of TONGUE KISSING but no, the camera guy had to zoom in on Christians back… MORON.. FIRE THAT CAMERA DUDE!!!! NOW!!!

-They broke the kiss and Trish made just about every horny/sexy face she has in her arsenal before leaving… even ON THE PHONE WITH FLEA I popped the biggest f-ing hard-on I’ve ever had since hitting my thirties.

-Jesus Hell… I am going to masturbate like hell ALL frickin’ week long off this.

-In fact… I’ll do it right now…. oooh… oh yeah… oh Trish… oh boobies… tongue… tirsh… ooo… oh god…. Oh fukk…. Holy…. Oh… boiobies… JR…. pete rose…. Trish… Feinstein…. Rob… oh…ohh… OH GOD… OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

-*pant… pant… sheesus… I’ve GOT to hunt down that girl.

-Oh, and by the way… this is from LAST WEEK’S MIDNIGHT NEWS:

- Quick guesses as to what happens: Stratus goes heel and turns on Jericho . I CALLED IT!!!!! I CALLED IT WHEN NO ONE ELSE EVEN THOUGHT IT!!

ALL THESE GODDAM EXPERTS WHO KNOW EVERYTHING AND LIL’ OL HYATTE CALLED IT BEFORE EVERYONE!!!!!! F-YOU,. F-YOU, F-YOU!!!!!!

-A-Holes… never doubt me again!!! Unless I have another wrestler contributing to this column, then you can doubt me all you want… but OTHER THAN THAT, I KNOW ALL!!!!!

-Meanwhile, The Trish Stratus IMPOSTER I talk to on AIM turned heel on me and had cybersex with Scott Keith right in front of me! DAMN, that chick is a HARD-CORE fan!

-Mick Foley and the Rock cut a promo… which is to say the Rock cut a promo and allowed Mick to hang around. The coolest part was when Don Muraco and Jimmy Snuka were caught bullsh-ing backstage and having a good time. The saddest part was when the Rock pointed out Hurricane and Rosie, in FULL costume and eating McDonalds. “Why don’t you have some Chicken McNuggets, you fat sonafabitch!” It’s sad because those two were forced to get into FULL costume for one second of airtime

-By the way, if last week’s PAINFUL segment between the Rock and Hurricane/Rosie wasn’t enough to make the Rock RUN, not walk, F-ING RUN back to Hollywood where NO ONE HAS THE BALLS to hand in scripts as miserable as the one Gerwitz and co. came up with that week, then I don’t know what will. For Gods sake… the trick here is to gibe the Rock a REASON TO COME BACK… making him read those RIDICULOUS LINES ain’t helping the cause!!

-Rocky told Lillian Garcia to stop looking at his package, because the “Buffet is closed.”… actually, I DID hear that Angelina Jolie has the ability to clean men out like that.

-Evolution came out.

-Foley came out

-The Rock came out.

-Hyatte came out. Yup, I’m gay

-This was Flair’s night. Rocky actually treated his chops like they were sledgehammers!

-Funny Flair moment: He caught the Rock with a behind the neck clothesline. Rocky turned around. Flair screamed, “WHOOO” Rocky nailed him and Flair fell to the floor. No luv for the Naitch.

-Rocky backdropped Flair on the outside, and got out just in time for a Foley Flying Elbow off the mat… ironically, it was the closest thing to “Hardcore” that we got from “The Hardcore Legend” tonight.

-at one point Flair called Foley a “Motherfu**er”… loudly… I laughed.

-This match can be summed up like so: Three on two with no order, Hot tag to Rock, Hot Tag to Foley, and Flair got it done!

-Interestingly… The Rock (who showed ZERO ring rust) was still sweating and panting like a geezer, Mick was so wiped he waited for his tags on one knee, Flair sweated so hard that he should have drowned, yet Orton and Batista are so well-conditioned, they hardly perspired all night!

-Batista Powerbombed the Rock and went for the pin… Flair stopped him and begged for something. Batista said go ahead and Flair proceeded to STEAL THE GODDAM MATCH by doing a riff on the People’s Elbow! He strutted through the whole thing… when he hopped over the Rock, the Rock kipped up and nailed him

-Flair was so wiped, he couldn’t lift his arms too much anymore… but BY GOD, DID HE PUT IN THE EFFORT!!!!

-Orton and Batista (and Mick, for that matter) didn’t do much of anything noteworthy… this was Flair and Rocky’s show)

-People’s Elbow on Flair! Flair kicked out

-The only thing missing from this match was Flair threatening to go after some yutz in the front row… AND WOULD IT HAVE KILLED HIM TO ELBOW THE MAT JUST ONE TIME!!!! IT AIN’T A FLAIR MATCH UNLESS HE DROPS ELBOWS ON THE MAT AND THREATENS TO GET NAKED AT LEAST ONCE!!!!

-The match ended rather anti-climatically when Orton hit Foley with the RKO and got the pin. Afterwards, Mick looked like he was about to cry until the audience, and the Rock started to applaud him.

-Yeah… I think this is it for the Rock… and unless Vince creates a bank exclusively for Mick Foley, I doubt he’ll be around much longer. Foley’s too proud to be working these type of matches.

-BUT GOD DAMMIT!!! LOOK AT THE NATURE BOY SHOW EVERYONE HOW OLD MEN DO IT ONE MORE TIME!!!!! GIVE THE BASTARD A BIG ENOUGH STAGE AND BY GOD, HE’LL STILL PERFORM!!!!!

-I will remind you… I am heavily using UPPER CASE to ACCENTUATE my points and generally annoy you all. And Dave Scherer hates black people.

-well, he DOES… look at him! You can tell!

-Video footage of the Hall of Fame induction ceremony! What in the HELL was “Inside the Actor’s Studio” host James Lipton doing there?

-Bobby Heenan tearfully wished that Gorilla Monsoon was there. Well he WOULD have been but they used his ashes to fill up the Undertaker’s Urn.

-Gene Okerlund came out and announced that he had the inductees of the Hall of Fame… and you can hear him introduce them on the WWE Hotline at 1-900-779-6060! WOW!! IT REALLY DOES BEGIN… AGAIN!!!

-nah, they came out and he introduced them all.

-Heenan! Who made character-driven faces at the crowd, God Bless ‘im.

-Tito Santana! But his award calls him “Chico!”

-Big John Studd died… so his son accepted on his behalf… and his son is of average size… and looks a lot like Freddie Blassie! (uh oh… Moms got FREAKY!!!)

-Harley Race… respected champion who was forced to dress up like a King and jack with Hacksaw Duggan for a year… if there is a rasslin’ HELL, Vince WILL burn for that!

-Pete Rose… which made a complete mockery of a hall of fame celebrating a fake sport…. Say hello to IRONY CITY, BABY!!!!!

-Don Muraco… A: Sumbitch is still alive? And B: Sumbitch looks happy!

-Greg Valentine… my God, does he ever NOT look pissed? He looks like Vince confiscated his flask before sending him out there.

-Junkyard Dog died… so his daughter accepted… and his daughter looked like Big John Studd! (MAN, the 80’s were WILD!)

-Superstar Billy Graham, wearing a big leather jacket, no doubt to hide his catheter bag! Oh, I kid! I’m a joke-maker… Graham looked thrilled to be there!

-Sgt Slaughter… who has been seen on WWE programming too much in recent years for his presence to feel “special”… and why isn’t he hunting down Osama?

-and James Lipton… now Pete Rose, I can see… but why give HIM a HoF spot?? The HELL did he do?

-The inductees were whisked away… they would have had more time but Valentine and Santana were giving each other the evil eye… that’s a 30 YEAR OLD FEUD THAT WAS NEVER SETTLED!!!!! KEEP THOSE TWO AWAY FROM EACH OTHER!!!! IT’S A DAMN TICKING TIME BOMB WHEN THEY ARE IN THE SAME CITY TOGETHER!!!!

-oooo, one day, Chico will get his revenge on the Hammer ONCE AND FOR ALL!!

-actually, Valentine was seen backstage muttering, “I can’t believe it, I broke in at the same time Flair did. We were fu**in’ tag partners!!! I look twenty years younger than him… we is he still going and I’m stuck going through people’s lockers for beer money???” Well, no WONDER he’s pissed!

-I, for one, can’t wait until Dr D, David Schultz gets into this thing… now THAT ornery old prick will shoot like a MUTHAFUKK

-The Playboy Evening Gown match was next… Sable must smoke 3 packs a day… and since I have orgasmed 3 times to Trish already, I feel as if to cover this thing with any real attention other than commenting on Sable’s voice would be cheating… so that’s it.

-the blonde girl pinned the other blonde girl… figure it out, mark-boy… as if you care, I know DAMN well the only hard-on YOU’RE sporting tonight is over Benoit!

-Eddie Guerrero found Chris Benoit pacing back and forth and gave him the “Do your best and I’ll be proud, ese!”, motivation speech! The one that employs reverse psychology because it PUMPED Benoit up to yell back, “I’M GONNA DO IT, NO CLIQUE’S GONNA STOP ME!!!” HA!! Yeah, okay… Bret thought the same thing… ho HO!!!

-Meanwhile, Eddie showed off his “Scarface” rip-off t-shirt… and Benoit showed off HIS new shirt… which no one will buy… not even his die hard fans, as Hunter told Scooter quite succinctly in And Another Thing: The Taking of Triple H. (That’s right… I’M PLUGGING IT AGAIN!!!!!!!!! EAT ME!!! BEST THING THE IWC HAS EVER HAD TO OFFER YOUR FAGGOTY ASSES!!!!!!!!!)

-Oh, and the days where Benoit can slick back his hair are OVER…. He’s starting to look like Jack Nicholson from the forehead up.

-The Cruiserweights had their match… Ultimo Dragon helped expedite his dismissal by DAMN NEAR WIPING OUT as he came out from backstage… heh… for months he was buried… he finally gets his big moment and almost wipes out on his ass! HA!!!! HAW!!!!

-It wasn’t his fault, actually… Billy Graham’s catheter bag broke and… well, in all the excitement he forgot to empty it that afternoon and… well… it just burst and…oh, just leave the guy alone already!

-Rey Mysterio was dressed like the Flash... it makes sense….. NO ONE is faster than Rey Rey when the INS starts knocking on his door! When Immigration is nearby, Rey gets REAL FRIENDLY with the Speed Force. It’s kind of cute, really, watching Rey’s little legs started running first, like the Road Runner, and build up speed… then they take off, then his torso, then his head… then his arms reach back and grab his mask, which is still hanging mid-air for a few beats!

-It’s NO secret that Rey is fast… ask ANY Lettuce Farmer in Southern California! They know the legend!

-BUT… revealing his secret identity like this can only cause trouble… rumor has it the Villano Cartel has recently hired “Capitan Frio” to take this speedy prick down ONCE AND FOR ALL!!

-I made a personal vow a LOONG time ago to NEVER cover a match where the Referee was taller than the wrestlers… and, for Christ SAKES… the ref for this match was CHARLES ROBINSON!!!!!!! F-it… Little Naitch should have Jacknife Bombed all of them and take the belt for himself!

-One of them won… I don’t care who…Vince should have thrown Max Mini in there to win the whole thing than he could have come out and told ALL YOU LUCHADOR LOVING HOMOS to kiss his lily white ass!

-Maybe the most fascinating match since Hogan/Jarrett was next. It’s fascinating because up until a couple of days ago, it was pretty damned obvious who was going over here.

-Video footage reminding us how these two got mad at each other…

-Austin comes out… looking like he had no clue if EITHER of these chowderheads were going to sell his Stunner (he’d be pretty damn foolish looking if both Brock and the Berg stood there as Austin grabbed and dropped on his ass… and Austin ain’t winning a shoot with either hombre)

-Lesnar came out… and really, there is nothing wrong with a guy deciding that he doesn’t like what he does for a living.

-Backstage, Goldberg’s door CRACKED and BULGED forward!… we hear Goldberg scream, “OW!! DAMMIT!”… then he PULLS open the door (Ah HA!! Those tricky doors can fool the BEST of us!)

-GB stalks about backstage… this takes longer than you might expect…

-He’s out… he’s in. He and Brock stalk about each other like TWO FERAL CATS, SIZING EACH OTHER OUT BEFORE STRIKING!!!!!

-now, if Vince REALLY wanted to screw these two boys over, he would’ve thrown a million at the Ultimate Warrior for a quick run-in! Just run-in… shake the ropes… and run out, leaving all three to look at each other all confused and say, “The F*CK is up with this damn company??” Now THAT would rock some serious house.

-The MSG crowd, clearly knowing more than the WWE would like, started chanting “YOU SOLD OUT!”… like a moron, Austin started yelling, “The hell I did! I just didn’t like the direction of the company!!!! AND THIS WAS A YEAR AGO!! LET IT GO!!” Brock had to take him aside and say, “uhh, Steve, it’s not ALWAYS about you!”

-The MSG crowd started that “Na Na Na Na Hey hey hey… goodbye.” Austin looked at them, then looked at Brock, Brock shook his head softly… Austin was visibly relieved!

-Brock was PISSED… Goldberg was DELIGHTED… shit, all the heat was off HIM… had Brock kept his mouth shut an extra week, Goldberg would have gotten all this heat! Now he’s pretty well forgotten!

-Lot of preening, lot of posing… lot of fronting… sort of like me in the shower.

-The LOCK UP!! TWO BEHEMOTHS!!!! NEITHER MAN, GIVING AN INCH!!!! NEITHER MAN, WILLING TO TAKE SECOND PLACE!!!! TWO COMPETITORS!!! TWO MEN WITH WRESTLING IN THEIR BLOOD!!!! TWO MEN… ONE IDEAL!!!!! ONE GOAL!!! TO GET PAID LIKE A MOTHERFUK AND GET THE HELL OUT OF TOWN!!!

-Jim Ross hinted at “rumors” about Brock’s immediate plans… then said HE heard rumors that Dave Meltzer likes Japanese cock! Then he cussed, “WE CAN SPREAD SOME RUMORS TOO, BY GOD!!!”

-Brock was so rattled by the boos that he screamed “WHAT THE f*CK DO YOU WANT FROM ME??” at Goldberg. Goldberg shrugged and said, “How bout you lay down, I’ll pin you, and we can bail out of here in about 3 minutes?” Brock thought it over, shrugged, “okay,” and did just that. Austin had to stop these two from insulting the integrity of the sport in such a fashion.

-What this was was a challenge to see how much time they can waste before they started Spearing the shit out of each other. And damned if they didn’t pull at least 6 minutes of bullshit before getting down to business.

-Goldberg went for the first Spear, but Brock pulled a Rocky and dodged it.

-REST HOLDS!!!!!!!!!

-Then the crowd reminded Goldberg that he was a whiny baby too… Goldberg looked around and shouted, “I JUST WANTED TO BE LOVED, IS THAT SO WRONG??” Why he chose NOW to do an impression of John Lovitz doing an impression of Harvey Firestein is beyond me.

-Goldberg hit Brock with a real tight swinging neckbreaker… Why he chose NOW of all times to FINALLY DEBUT A NEW MOVE is REALLY beyond me!

-Goldberg speared Brock and got the two count… he bitched at Austin for going so slow.

-Take the above sentence, switch “Goldberg” and “Brock” and change “speared” into “F5ed”

-Now, take the above sentence, switch “Goldberg” and “Brock” BACK, change “F5ed” BACK to “speared” and add, “then he hit the Jackhammer and pinned the big, potato eating galoot” and you’ve got yourself a match!

-Goldberg lumbered out… Austin stared at Brock… both men were thinking the same thing: “Hyatte sucks”

-Brock had heard enough of the New Yawk crowd and gave them AND Stone Cold a double birdie… Austin defended the WWE and the HONOR of the Business by TURNING AROUND, WALKING OUT OF THE BUILDING, AND BOARDING A PLANE BACK TO TEXAS!! AND HE AIN’T COMING BACK… AGAIN… UNTIL THERE ARE SOME CHANGES IN THE CREATIVE DIRECTION…. AGAIN!!!!

-Well no, he stunned Brock, and then stunned Goldberg (WHO HARDLY SOLD!!) and then drank himself silly. But I’m SURE the irony was NOT lost on the big guy… on EITHER big guys!

-In case I’m losing you… Austin first walked out of the company and went home ten minutes before RAW started because he was asked to put over Lesnar with ZERO fanfare or build-up… which insulted him highly. So now it’s funny watching him take Brock to symbolic task for doing the same.

-by the way, before he left, Goldberg healed NOBODY, because he was effectively off the clock and off the contract!! Name me one Jew who works for free.

-MSG ERUPTED with outdoor fireworks… they were so intense that Rudy Guliani was seen running around Times Square screaming, “EVERYONE BE CALM!!! NEW YORK IS STILL OPEN FOR BUSINESS!!! THOSE DAMN TOWEL JOCKEYS!!! WHY CAN’T THEY GO AFTER HOLLYWOOD????”

-Vince McMahon came out and thanked us all for putting a few bucks in his pocket over the years… and promised that he hasn’t yet BEGUN to rob us of our paychecks! Then cursed our very souls for not accepting “Stephanie-A-Mania”

-The Smackdown tag team division had a four way sudden death title match…. I didn’t even know Smackdown still had a tag team title!

-Heeeey, that wasn’t James Lipton! That was Jesse Ventura! Now Jesse was back there alone asking, “What would Wrestlemania be without me interviewing someone?” (Umm, better?)

-He talked to Donald Trump for a few minutes. Trump admitted to teaming with Vince on a couple of aborted boxing events and said teaming with Vince is a good way to royally screw Dick Ebersol out of a few million year and there. Trump also said his favorite word is money, his favorite sound is the cha-ching of a cash register, his favorite curseword is “mothgerf*cker” and if Heaven existed, when he gets there he hopes God says to him, “Why yes, I am selling this place!”

-Molly lost and had her hair shaved clean off… ironic that in the LAST “Loser Loses every strand” match, Kevin Nash got a SLIGHT trim, but Molly, who works her ASS off, got the full Concentration Camp treatment! If you listened carefully, you could hear Molly whine, “OKAY, YOU WIN, I’LL GET THE DAMN BOOB JOB AND ASS LIPO!!! JUST LET ME KEEP THE F*CKIN HAIR!!!” Heh… too little, too late, Miss Thing!

-I’m just astounded at how fast Victoria went from crazy/nutty whackjob to big smile, all for the fans Face! Not that it matters… the New Heel Trish will be taking possession of this title (much like she has possession of my HEART AND MY BALLS) shortly, probably on tonight’s RAW….

-Now is the obligatory WWE Wrestlemania “Look at the new record we SHATTERED/if only those assholes at Guinness world notice/Ain’t We Gr8” pat on the back moment.

-Video footage explains how they managed to get Angle a title shot against Eddie.

-oh, and somewhere in here, they started pimping Edge’s return… to RAW…. How about this, instead of sending EVERYONE to RAW to give HHH something to do, why doesn’t HHH just go to SMACKDOWN and let HBK and Orton by the primary RAW heels??? And DAMN if Hunter and the Undertaker sharing the same political space won’t send some sound and camera guys running to call the Inside Net Newshounds!

-Kurt Angle comes out

-Eddie rolled out in his jacked low rider!

-This was a MAT CLASSIC.

-My favorite part was when Angle tried to German Suplex Eddie from the ring apron to the floor, but Eddie wouldn’t let go of the rope so Angle leaned back with all he had and kept yanking… thrusting… from behind… this is called the “Feinsteinersplex”

-This MAT CLASSIC was also not as good as it could have been… but with Lesnar gone, they need Angle at 100% for as long as possible.

-Eddie won after untying his shoe. I would get into more detail but it’s funnier to let your imagination wander.

-The Undertaker beat Kane in a quick match. Paul Bearer was there… ANOTHER THING I CALLED A LONG TIME AGO!! I BROKE THE STORY THAT PAUL BEARER WOULD BE BACK!!!! NOT WADE KELLER!!!!!!! NOT JASON POWELL!!!!!!! NOT BOB RYDER!!!!!!!! ME, CHRIS THE F*CKING HYATTE!!! I SAID STRATUS WOULD TURN HEEL AND BEARER WOULD BE BACK!! ME, ME MEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

-The Undertaker was dressed like a gritty ol’ cowboy… if Gene Hackman was in the building, Taker would have blasted him to HELL AND BACK for killing Morgan Freeman!

-The only difference between Taker the Dead Man and Taker the Bike Riding Dude is that the Dead Man does more sit-ups and doesn’t shout “OLD SCHOOL” before walking the ropes.

-Oh, and apparently, not even the afterlife can stop the onslaught of male pattern baldness

-At one point, Bearer shoved the Urn in Kane’s face and shook it… something ashy came out… Kane started to sneeze…. The Ghost of Gorilla Monsoon appeared and said, “Will You STOP?” this distracted Kane long enough for eat a nice Tombstone and take the loss…. see, I TOLD you they put him to good use tonight!!

-How Paul Bearer hasn’t exploded yet is a true mystery… the man simply can NOT grow any fatter…

-Ah, and Lawler and Ross managed to IGNORE the whole “Bearer is Kane’s Daddy” storyline! Because, you know, F**k Vince Russo!

-In case you are strictly a Smackdown viewer, you were thoroughly bored with the whole Benoit/HHH/HBK video history package. And if you ARE strictly a Smackdown viewer… dude, grow UP… you’re watching the punk show of the two… get with the program and watch the REAL rasslin’ show… the one with TRISH!!

-HBK came out. Ya think maybe it’s time for a change in his 10 year old theme music?

-Benoit came out. Heh… he IS Oompha Loompha! HA!!

-HHH came out… thank CHRIST Motorhead wasn’t there to play his entrance personally… we were spared the moment where he hits the ring, climbs the second rope, faces the band, points his finger and grunts loudly at them! “ARRRRRGH, ROCK!! URRRGH LEMMY!”

-The bell rings… Benoit and HBK fight over who gets to work over HHH first… JR screams, “THE GAME WAS RIGHT!!! THEIR EGOS WILL BE THEIR DOWNFALL!!!!” I hope he CHOKES on his hyperbole!!

-If HHH’s nose appears larger, it’s because it’s been growing exponentially all week long as he’s tried to sell interviewers on the notion that there are no steroids in Wrestling… he damn near took Regis’s eyeball out!

-It takes about 5 minutes before HHH is tossed out of the ring and enjoys a brief rest while Benoit and Shawn went at it. Then he slipped back in and HBK got the breather, then Benoit… repeat often for a good 30 minutes

-Benoit went for the Crossface 26 times in ten minutes.,.. it got so bad Goldberg charged out from the back to say: “Dude, learn a few new moves!”

-Define “Trust”… HBK, with the back that is STILL on life support, mounted the top rope and did a Flying Moonsault ON THE OUTSIDE FLOOR on his opponents… the mind blowing part is that HE DIDN’T ONCE LOOK TO MAKE SURE THEY WERE IN POSITION!!! That, my friends, is total and complete trust of your co-workers!

-Benoit tried to chop HBK… HBK actually laughed in his face and said, “Only one asshole get his chops sold per show, tiny! And this time you ain’t him!” So Benoit kicked him in the balls… bastard sold his ass off then!

-Benoit ended up in “The Tree of Woe”… somewhere in Florida, Kevin Sullivan got confused and started running full tilt into his wide screen TV shouting, “I WANT MY WIFE AND HALF MY MONEY BACK, YOU TOOTHLESS SKUNK!!” Sullivan missed the rest of the show due to his television screen shattering

-Benoit snagged the Crossface on HBK… HBK was THISCLOSE to tapping when HHH charged in and grabbed his arm himself… now THAT is creative!

-Hunter showed Smackdown EXACTLY what he thinks of any brand that he isn’t a part of by DESTROYING the Tazz/Cole announce table for no reason! Benoit took offense and showed what HE thought of Hispanics in general by destroying the Spanish Announce table. No one touched the RAW table because JR WILL fry their ass if they get mouthy with him!

-Hunter and Benoit started fighting on top of the table… HBK (who started bleeding like hell after blading himself while Benoit was about to slingshot him… which is when HBK does his best blading) joined HHH and they silently agreed to get rid of the Canadian by double suplexing him into the table… they did so and JR acted like Benoit just flew from the top of the Hell in the Cell. “GOOD GOD ALMIGHTY,. GOOD GOD ALLMIGHTY, THEY KILLED HIM!!!! AS GOD AS MY WITNESS, HE IS BROKEN IN HALF!!!!”

-This led to a beautiful moment where HBK, bloody and beaten, climbed into the ring and called out HHH to “finish this once and for all, until the next storyline”

-They went a while… Jim Ross was so intent on announcing that Benoit is half-past dead he started bitching at the back, “If it’s not too much damn trouble for the backstage, could someone PLEASE send a damn EMTs back here to tend to Chris Benoit, sometime this YEAR, MAYBE???”

-HHH hit the Pedigree!!! It’s over… Hunter’s ego ruined EVERYTHING AGAIN!!! DAMN HIM AND THE GLASS CEIL…

-Benoit interfered! Gah, I hate it when the WWE intentionally tells the Net to F-themselves.

-CROSSFACE ON HUNTER!!! HBK wrecked it by Superkicking Benoit square in the mush… I’d be shocked if that didn’t dislocate Benoit’s jaw… backstage, Woman watched that and was heard to say, “Shit!! And I was hoping he’d go down on me tonight! Crap! She was later seen wandering around looking to see if Randy Orton was still in the building.

-HBK was tossed out… HHH tried to Pedigree Benoit. Benoit turned it into the Crossface. He cinched it on tight. He pulled… big close up on both men.

-HHH fought. HHH squirmed… HHH came close to the ropes… Benoit rolled around and pulled Hunter in the middle of the ring. He strained… more close-ups, more drama.

-HERE COMES KEVIN NASH!!!! JESUS CHRIST!!! I REALLY AM WRITING THE WWE PROGRAMMIMG!!! HOLY GOD!!! HYATTE WROTE THIS SHOW MONTHS AGO!!!!!!!

-No, no… HHH lifted his arm… flipped the whole Internet the middle finger, and tapped… and Benoit won the title!

-Benoit was handed the title. Looked around and said, “WAAAIT A SECOND… IS THIS YOUR WAY OF SAYING THAT KEVIN SULLIVAN IS THE NEW HEAD BOOKER??” Earl Hebner said, “No, stupid.”

-The American’s quietly exited as a tearful Benoit celebrated… Eddie Guerrero joined him and the two champions… the two RADICALS hugged… now that was a moment.

-Of course… this is all so HHH can pin Benoit clean and easy IN Edmonton next month, HOPEFULLY with Scooter Keith sitting in the front row with his blow-up doll/girlfriend… then he and Vince will shit in Benoit’s mouth and piss on the first three rows…. Now THAT’S be a great PPV!!

-THIS was a great PPV… THIS is as good as sports entertainment gets… I’m sure most of the Net is looking for ways to crap all over it… but fuck them… this was a beautiful card… there was at least three or four big moments for just about everyone. Anyone who complains can die… better yet, they can leave the net. Get out… you’re not wanted or needed. Fuck you… you are wasting everyone’s time being an asshole. Cumstains. I hate you all.

-This was a case where there was no way to improve… these people… ALL of them, brought their game with them… even Goldberg… I’m asking you, please don’t listen to the pissers and moaners… because they simply do NOT know how ELSE to behave other than pessimistically… and , Nah, that’s it.

Now at the end of a Mop-Up, I like to wrap things up with a charming little thing I call a CLOSER… but before I do that, in honor of his good work tonight:

TRIPLE H IS BETTER THAN YOU

I, for one, am so sick and tired of HHH bashing that I have decided on this, a brand new, ongoing gimmick.

Every week, I shall list one good thing Triple H has done that makes him a much better person than YOU, John Q. Slappy, who has never done anything for anyone… and probably a fan of Ring of Honor too, you PERVERT!!

Triple H Is Better Than You Because…

He tapped out to Benoit after teaming with the greatest wrestler since Flair in his prime and spending over thirty minutes elevating Benoit to main event status in the eyes of everyone

And for that, Hunter deserves a break from you asscocks

Now, for the closer, let’s keep it simple and wrap up with a segment everyone enjoys:

A LIVE MIC = DANGER!

Wrestlemania themed? WWE themed? Naaah, let’s just cover a whole wide range of eras and places:

1- As I won Olympic gold, came to the WWF, and embarked on an incredible undefeated streak that shocked the whole entire world, Mark Henry's greatest accomplishment was impregnating an 82-year-old woman. Congratulations, Mark. And although that may have required a lot of intensity-I don't even like to think about it-it definitely lacked integrity and intelligence, if you know what I mean. And while impregnating elderly women and living in sin may be acceptable to Dallas Texas, it is NOT acceptable to your Olympic champion! It is not!- Kurt Angle

2- Frustrated isn't the goddam word for it! This is BULLSHIT! You screwed me, everybody screwed me, and nobody does a goddam thing about it! Nobody in the building cares, nobody in the dressing room cares, there’s so much goddam injustice around here, I've had it up to here! Everybody knows it, I know it, everybody knows it, I should be the WWF champion! Everybody just keeps turning a blind eye to it, YOU keep turning a blind eye to it, I got that Gorilla Monsoon, HE turns a blind eye to it, everybody in the GODDAM dressing room knows that I'm the best there is, the best there was, and the best there ever will be.!! (to crowd) And hey, if you don’t like it, TOUGH SHIT!!!- Bret Hart: RAW 3/17/97

3- Repo Man! Last week he re-poed his own car! This man is nuts!- Heenan

About 5 years ago he got my mother-in-law!- Okerlund

About 4 years ago everybody got your mother-in-law!- Heenan: Wrestlemania X-7

4- Goldust loves movies so much then he should like that movie “Gorillas in the Mist” because it was filmed in Chyna's shower- Lawler: Wrestlemania 13

5- Rocky's speech was so boring Christopher Reeves got up and walked out- Lawler: Wrestlemania 13

6- They couldn’t even make coffee let alone a covert retaliation- Nash on WCW getting back at DX on Confidential

7- (concerning Chyna, who was speaking Spanish at the Spanish Announce Table)

What did she say?- JR

Something about Taco Bell- HHH

You're not bilingual?- JR

There's a lot of bi things I am, but lingual is not one of them.

(Pause)

Hey, wait a minute, did I just mean to say that?- HHH

8- I hear bodybuilding ain’t doing to good these days!- JR on the failure of the WBF: Great American Bash ‘92

9- I can’t believe Hulk Hogan is the number one contender. I was in the Olympics, people and I beat Russians and Iranians a whole hell of a lot tougher than Nikolai Volkoff and the Iron freaking Sheik!- Kurt Angle: Smackdown 2002

10- I remember when I was the champion!- Heenan

Of what?- Monsoon

My neighborhood. I got all the girls for about a month- Heenan The only gold you have is in your teeth!- Monsoon

I’m not Chinese- Heenan: Wrestlemania 8

11- Did I hear Michael Hayes and the Freebirds out here? Hayes, I remember when we met the first time. It went like this: “My GOD!! RIC FLAIR!! Let me shake your hand, please.” That’s how it went, Hayes. You were a punk kid while I was being the star of all stars!- Flair: NWA TV ‘87

12- You see Dusty Rhodes, you’re the one who bankrupted every promotion you've ever ran! You bankrupted Jim Crockett Promotions, you alienated your own son! And your the one who cut the brakeline on Magnum TA's car!- Steve Corino: ECW TV 2000

13- You always say it’s Vader time, Vader. Well, it looks like Jenny Craig time to me, pal- HHH: Raw ‘97

14- The Briscos never competed in a Bra & Panties match… at least not officially.- JR: Raw 2001

15- Hey Mike Awesome! Congratulations! You're worth less now than you were five minutes ago!- Bret Hart on Awesome becoming the 70s Guy

16- Hey, 1998 called. They said you suck! -Edge, to X-Pac

17- The Brainbusters are the most scientific team ever in the WWF!- Jesse

What about Tony Garea and Haystacks Calhoon?- Vince

WHO?- Jesse: WWF TV ‘89

18- President Piper has apparently come up with something called a TRIPLE THREAT MATCH, what the heck is that??- Jerry Lawler

19- Demolition won and it appeared to be illegal- Ventura

Appeared to be? They used the cane!- Monsoon

Like I said, it appeared to be illegal- Ventura: Wrestlemania 4

20- Now, Bad Ass, you run your mouth about Summerslam. Well, here's the situation: The Rock says this, if the Rock hits you he'll kill you. If he misses, the wind behind the punch will give you pneumonia and you'll die anyway, so the choice is yours Jabroni.- The Rock

21- You never really know a woman till you meet her in court- Jerry Lawler

22- If you're asking if I would ever date a wrestler, certainly I would. However it wouldn't be good business for me to get romantically involved with anyone in any aspect of our business.- Stephanie McMahon: Off the Record, 8/3/99

Heh… Stephanie… HA!

Next week, we get back to the boring ol’ hit & miss Midnight News

Let me know what you thought of this… I liked the finished product myself…

Oh, and once again… I CALLED THE STRATUS HEEL TURN AND NO ONE ELSE DID!!! I DID!!! ME, CHRIS F-ING HYATTE!!! HA!!

Then again, it wasn’t, like, tough to figure out… SOMEONE ALWAYS has to make one big turn at a Wrestlemania… Trish was merely the most logical…

This girl… she kisses EVERYONE… man… man… oh… oh dear… GOTTA RUN!!!

This is Hyatte